Suffering and tired

On that day, my mom said, “ I want to take a shower” The fact is that she could not sit properly anymore. It was not a joke. Some images came into my mind. There was a movie  “Patch Adam” about a doctor who would do anything to make his patient happy. So I asked  my mom, “ Do you really want to get a shower? “ Instantly she said, “ Yes. Is that difficult for you?” It was a big challenge. I said, “As you wish, mom. I will make it happen for you”

I prepared a wheelchair and covered it with plastic, then I asked my husband, my daughter and my assistant to help me lift my mom from her bed. We put her in the wheelchair then brought her to the bathroom. My daughter and I gave my mom a bath.  She was in pain but she had the biggest smile on her face that day. She was so happy after almost two months lying in her bed without getting a real shower. 

I cried … I cried in my heart. I was so happy to see the hard work that we did. My mom can go anytime … but I am grateful I can serve her well. What I miss right now, is maybe my life itself. I cannot do my daily activities like before, but there is always a right time for everything. I just need to accept the condition and be grateful that I still have the opportunity to enjoy this time. 

Some friends asked me, “How do you handle this situation?”  

If life is a choice, I choose the right thing to do while my mom still has her time. 

I miss to write in this blog for many months, but seeing my mom is getting worse and worse hurts my heart. My blog can wait. My mom cannot. 

Cancer has stolen her life quality. Life is not too short for my mom and also we don’t know how long she can stand in this condition. 

Let’s be honest! My mom is suffering because she cannot move around; she is in pain almost all the time. She is also tired to be in bed for many months, I am tired and suffering too to see her in that condition. How I can cope to deal with this situation for almost a year? I keep telling myself to pay back what my mom has done for me. Do you think it is easy? It is definitely not easy at all. 

Spending time with my mom makes me think a lot about life. Life is so short that we need to cherish every moment. How many times we forget to enjoy the moment because we let our minds  wonder around,  going back and forth between the past and future. It builds anxiety when we need to pass our life daily. Something that we also forget to really appreciate the time that we have, when we were young we thought we had a lot of time, but time went faster than we thought. The only thing that makes me stronger … is the mindset that I don’t want any regret in my life. By serving my mom daily and taking care of her, I get to do what I always wanted to do for her.

Mother Teresa said, 

“Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home “

Jakarta, July 9, 2020 at. 11.36AM 

Lina Kartasasmita

I am still learning

Michael Angelo at the very old age said “ I am still learning “  So do I 

It was 31 years ago. For the first time I taught accounting for senior high school student. I was young and unexperienced as teacher at that time. In the class there were  25 students. It was easy because I had confidence that I knew accounting. I taught diligently and clearly at that time. Most of the students got a good grade, but one student kept got 2 out of 10. 

I asked him “ Do you understand when I teach you “ He looked at me with a confused face. 
He yelled at me “ what “ I was angry then I stared at him “ Why you always get a bad grade ? If you don’t understand you can ask me “ 

He looked at me, his face showed he was frustrated to deal with me. 

I said “ If you never tell me whether you understand or not. I can not help you “ 
I left him. 

I was sad and angry. Basically I don’t care if people hate me, but I hate to be misunderstood. 

I shared the problem with other teachers and one teacher told me. “ Ibu Lina that boy has hearing problem. He needs his hearing aids” 

I said “ But he could understand when I talk to him “ 

“ Yes .. if  you speak slowly and you face him because he actually read your lips “ 

Most of the teaching time I had to write on the board and of course he couldn’t hear my explanation he couldn’t read my lips

Suddenly I felt guilty that I couldn’t transfer my knowledge to him, not because he is stupid but because I couldn’t  understand his needs, I  assumed he could understand, I assumed he was lazy, I assumed he could listen well. I assumed he ignored me. It happened because of bad communication. 

I put effort to draw with colorful pens the accounting process from journal to the income statements in a big piece of paper. 

I told him “ Please study this paper all the explanation is here” after that he got the best grade. 

He graduated from high school and one day he found me on Facebook. He told me he took Master degree in Accounting 😍😍

Communication is a bridge to understand someone and to be understood. Communication  only works when both side in the same pages. 

Communication is a skill that we need to practice, because we communicate with others since we were born to the end of our life 

In my life I meet many people with different back ground, different styles, different characters... Communication with them is a big challenge. 

I am still learning now, because people changes based on aging, wisdom and experiences. 
How about you ?? 

Jakarta 29 Jan 2020 

*Lina Kartasasmita**

Welcome 2020

It has been months that I didn’t write for my blogs. One day my friend sent me a message, “Lina, when will you write again in your blogs?”

He didn’t know that my life has changed a lot. I had many things to do back in 2019.  A trip to Europe for my daughter’s graduation, my daughter’s wedding preparation and then my mom got liver cancer. It was good thing and bad thing happened in the same time.  I told myself, “ It is well with my soul … I just need to be focus “

Duke Ellington said, “ A problem is a chance for you to do your best “ and I tried to do it. It is not easy at all, but it is true that each problem in life will give us a chance to do our best. We can learn how to handle our emotion better than before. I learn more from life …

Especially I have to take care of my mom, and she was in pain and she didn’t want to be served. I learned to serve her better and I learned to understand her emotional to face the cancer. When my mom decided to take palliative treatment, people judged me as if I didn’t want to fight for her cancer. My mom has her own point of view at the age of 85; she knows what she really want at the end of her journey as human being.  I do respect what her wish is. 

Welcome 2020, I don’t ask the year will be without problem, I wish “All is well with my soul” Happy new year everyone. 

"Happiness is a quality of the soul...not a function of one's material circumstances." –Aristotle

**Lina Kartasasmita**

Jakarta, Jan 4, 2020 at 4.54 PM